Gets me everytime.

I'm sitting in front of my computer watching yoochoob vids, and i come across melissa polinars, Brave Face. I instantly fell in love with the song. Its such a sweet song, and made me really think about music. I really like self realization songs. Songs that are about you, that make you think about yourself. I especially liked it because I feel like i can get a lot more emotion out of sad songs than from happy songs. Dont get me wrong, happy feel good songs are cool, and awesome, but unless you are on that same high, you dont get as much out of them. Sad songs have so much more emotion. They make me hurt, they make me cry, they inspire me. And so here is my theme of the night... Inspiration. Where do we get our inspiration? I like to get mine from the people around me. I like to grow from the thoughts, attitudes, and people I surround myself. My friends and loved ones make me want to become a better person. those are my thoughts....roll with it.

Summer means change

I know its been hella long since i blogged, but its a new day and i thought i should write this stuff down before i forget.

Summer is a time for rest and relaxation. We work hard for 10 months at school, and summer is the only time we can really relax and unwind, bfore we have to repeat the 10 month process. But have we really thought about the opportunities summer presents. We are away from our friends and mentors for 3 whole months. 3 months is alot of time. Think back to out past summers, 3 months have made us inches even feet taller, 3 months have made our wallets from full to empty, or from empty to full, 3 months have changed boys into men, and girls into women, and that idea my friends is the real meaning for summer. Summer means change. It gives us the time to get away from the pressures of peers and mentors, and it allow us the ability to find ourselves, redefine our purposes, and mature into the people we will be for the rest of our lives.

Now here come my reflection. Who do i want to be when I grow up? I'll tell the truth. I've been spoiled and babied all my life. My mom made sure I had everything I needed, sometimes everything I wanted, but she gave me the opportunity to be independent, slowly loosening her lovegrip called motherhood, but she has never truly let go. and thats where this year comes in. Even though I live hella close to home, being away from her has changed me. I no longer appreciate the love grip, the constant location calls, room barges, and commands she puts on me. Rather I prefer to be in my own space, do things on my own time, and my own way. Not to say I dont love her, because I love her with all my heart, but I like my independence, and own space, and in 10 years she wont be there to do all these things, so she needs to start practicing not doing them.

Now here comes my goals. Who am I becoming? Being away from home has been an experience. I have no one to report to, no one who tells me what to do, and no one to judge or reprimand me. But all this freedom can be a danger if not focused productively. Instead of hanging out all the time, why cant I focus some of my time on my , or on a job? Thats precisely what i have realized. Ive had my fun being a child this year. Now focusing on the theme of change, I have dedicated this summer to tranforming Nate the Fun guy, to Nate the grown man. I have already taken some steps in the process, and the summer is long, so i hope i stick to it, but i feel like the experience and the lessons i learn this summer will help me grow up. The real world is hard, and ive grown up in a bubble. Now is my time to start venturing into my own space, and really seeing where my strengths and weaknesses are. Anther thing I've been trying to change within myself are the childish bad habits I have. I'm a really friendly guy. I like to smile and laugh, but lately ive been feeling like my personality sometimes comes off too strong. This summer one of my focuses is picking and choosing instances where i let my personality shine, and stepping off. One of my problems is I treat everyone with the same friendly attitude that needs to be focused into a more controlled one.

Anyways I'm done reflecting. I'm hungry and basketball today killed me. I love it :)

Heres a picture i thought was funny

its spring

Sup guys. I havent blogged in a while, but i felt like i needed to today. I don't know what it is, maybe its the air, but at this moment i feel really good. I love my fraternity. I'm happy with my performance at school. I'm lifting weights, playing basketball, and just having a good time. Its in the air. It's almost summer and life is good. I'm busy, but its a good busy. I have hella stuff to do, but i'm not stressing. I feel like i'm growing up and i'm scared but i'm ready at the same time.

I've taken a new direction in my life and the theme is growth. I have to learn how to do things for myself. I can depend on my friends and family, but its up to me to succeed and benefit from my hardships. I'm manning up. No more mopping and crying, rather staying positive and optimistic. It is on me. I'm not gonna take crap anymore, because I'm a man on a mission and i have my eyes on the prize. 8)

Starting over

I know i haven't blogged in a while, but i decided to blog right now. My life has been really busy lately, and I'm taking this opportunity to really write down thoughts that have been on my mind.

A thought that came into my mind, was the whole idea of emoness vs. self reflection. I consider myself a really deep person, not because i'm a really complicated person, but because I take the time out of my days to think about thoughts and ideas that are bothering, and try to find ways to sort through them. That is a lot similar to wisdom. So what separates a person from being wise and deep? My take on it is that a deep person contemplates about past thoughts, actions, and ideas; A wise person contemplates about past thoughts, actions, and ideas, and utilizes them in order to improve their future thoughts, actions, and ideas.

I'm not there yet, not a lot of people are, and if they say they are, they are probably lying to you about it. I hope i get there though. I still have 3 years to grow up. its hard, but we all gotta do it...

I know this has nothing to do with it, but i really liked this art piece my brother maku made. :)

Another Deep Thought

So i know i havent blogged in a while, its only because ive been really busy. I was supposed to deep talk with linda and tara tonight, but i had homework and just as im about to go to sleep these thought begin to fill my head, like helium filling up a balloon. So this is another love thought. Like love hate it, its just my thought.

First, I find it really sweet seeing people in love. I like when they leave each other special notes in texts comments or voicemails. What i find most impressive is seeing people in relationships, like long ass realtionships, still sharing that cute, i wanna get to know you attitude. Like even thought they are in a relationship, they still share the text tagging, cute witty convos.

Second, I wonder what makes it so hard for people to find other people. I know i could be talking out of my emo kuwawa love life, but seriously I wonder how come, there are plenty of girls and guys out there who are almost mtb, but they just never happen to meet.

I dont know. I starting to get sleepy. I'll finish this later. Out

Getting Back.

So the time has come where students return to the daily grind balancing studying and life. Here i am blogging in front of my computer dead tired from the events of the past week. alot has happened in terms of getting back, and thats where i wanna start.

I got back to USF on monday and since then all ive been doing is chilling and having fun with the homies, waiting for everyone to move back in. I had a radical idea to play at Fishermans wharf with my friend Kiko for money, then we would use whatever we earned and use it to buy dinner for my friends. I don't know... Just a thought.

This past weekend we had a brother bonding retreat. It was really fun just breaking away from all the stresses of life and mentally prepare for the upcoming semester. After the retreat I'm actually really excited for the next school week being with the brothers really reminded me of my high school friends and how we used to chill like that.

I had my fortune told the other day, and it got me thinking. As feminine as it sounds, I asked about my love life. I went into it thinking of the results as a piece of advice from a friend. It said that I needed to be careful with my love life, thinking things through before doing things. It told me that even though the experience maybe give me troubles and be difficult, once i get through it, it will lead to a positive change in myself. I don't know how i feel about it, but all i know is that I will still be a hopeless romantic. :/




Current Song of Reflection: Lina-- I Am

Creativity?

I wrote a short story the other day. its okay, but i thought it was a really good way to get things off my chest. Its about a guy, who thinks and dreams alot and he ends up randomly meeting this girl who he deep talks with and ultimately falls in love with her, it keeps going. ask me if you wanna read it. i tried to use metaphors and imagery, but i always end up using some poetic lines, cause i think they sound cool.


Oh and i was at my friends sams party the other day, and i was saw this girl. i dont know. there was something about her that caught my attention. so i sang and go her number, but im not sure if im gonna text her or not. :/
Who knows? im confused with girls. Why cant i just meet a cute, nice, good girl, who appreciates my music, and takes me as i am? Heaven only knows.

Sitting in Church

So i was sitting in church today and i was thinking. I always like to think in church cause its so quiet. I was thinking about my last post, and about how i was question my new changes, the ears the hair, the attitude. But then i thought to myself, what is change really? is it an automatic improvement on my self, or merely a reflection of a process, something that is soon to become a part of me. its like trying on clothes to see if you like them or not? What i realized was change is inevitable, and although I may miss parts of my old adolescent slef its okay to lose parts of myself as long as i remember who i am. I'm still a good person. its not like i kill people, or steal from people. I'm still a good kind hearted playful kid at heart and thats what truly defines who i am. Not if i drink or smoke or not, which im still giving up btw. So there it is. I should be proud of who i am. I know what i want, I know how im gonna get it, and im determined to get it. So i'm not gonna fret about what others think of me. Love me or hate me, but please... just take me as i am.

Counting them days...

Today was cool. We worked out at USF today, and played some bball there. My ankle is still kinda weak from the sprain so I was lacking in explosion. I never really appreciated my speed until i lost it. Its like the same way, you never appreciate the good things in your life until they are gone. you can constantly tell yourself you can manage without them, but its never the same. Anyways, after we watched some football, then chilled at Jay's house, playing 2k9. Dolar came. I actually wanna chill with him more. I feel like although me and my pledge brother started off on the wrong foot, i feel like we can become really close as long as we are willing to put our differences aside. We are more similar than we think. WARRIORS GAME TOMORROW. I'm kinda excited. :)

change

Wow. im sitting here at pasta pomodoro with my usf friends. were jus joking around and olivia and me end up talking about how ive changed and how she doesnt know which kind of nate i am. new nate or old nate. now im sitting here contemplating on who i really am. am i the preppy innocent nate who held true to his values? or am i the new shaved head ears pierced new nate, who drinks and smokes and is just like everybody else?

i honestly dont know anymore. i thought the new changes were good, they wer improvements to an a boy who needed to grow up, but now im not so sure anymore. maybe ive become worse. im more outwardly cocky than i was before and now eveb though i get alot of head turns and stuff, i feel like everybody sees me differently. they either like the new me or hate it, but i never asked myself that. i think i need to re-evaluate this new nate. because im not gonna lie, some parts of me miss the old nate.

Jeremy

I once knew a man named Jeremy,

I guess you could call him a musician,

That is, if you call singing and playing

Touching the hearts of standbyers

With a song a profession.

He sat open cased, wood stooled,

With a guitar covered in stickers--

I love NY, Music is Life

Splattered over his weapon of choice,

And his voice

Soothing like the ocean rushing on the sand

That would turn any Sony BMG executive into his biggest fan

Opening his lips, vibrating strings

Soft whooing rush of subway trains

All melded together,

A cyclone of sounds, nobody heard,

Except those who vulnerably turned their heads

Turned their heads away from the trains and opened their ears

To surrender,

To listen,

To listen to his “gat”, his “nine”, his weapon of chaos and order

Tenderly, caressing his way of life,

He painted a masterpiece of song,

Cool blue harmonies,

Bright red melodies,

Garden green counterpoint,

Two bodies of song, bumping and grinding to the same tune,

fitting together like two puzzle pieces

Revealing something more,

A greater picture.

Standing and listening a crowd,

eyes closed, ears opened

all smoking from the same joint of inspiration

Got’em high as the sky,

A hallucination, a drug, an addiction,

Messing with the mind and emotions

All without touching hairs on the heads,

but instead attacking their hearts and their minds.

He streamed through the verses,

Fell through the chorus,

And ebbed and flowed under the bridge,

While keeping the same push and pull rhythm in the bodies,

And the same rushing motions in the ocean,

Spreading eargasms

to all who heard his own eclectic tsunami of sound.

Then, he finally reached his last chorus,

his last measure, then his last note.

And then he stopped,

A few clings of dropped coins.

Opening his lips, vibrating strings

Soft whooing rush of subway trains

A new crowd standing and listening,

Caught insects in the web of his art.

I once knew a man named Jeremy.

He was a musician.

FOR THE <3 of IT

I posted this blog on facebook, but i thought i should post one here too since this is my fortress of thought anyways.

So im writing this after watching an episode of the GMA series Marimar.

I just need somewhere to vent my thoughts, cause it gave me a new outlook on the idea of love. This is no homo. I just wanted to deep talk with myself.

First of all the series is addicting, not because of the plot, because in all honesty the plot kinda sucks. It’s a rollercoaster ride of emotions of sadness and happiness. No homo or anything. The love between the two main characters is the only reason im still watching the series. Mahal kita, walang iba. I love you, there is no one else.

True Love doomed to always want but never have. It makes me sad that two star-crossed lovers destined to be together can never be together because of malice and selfishness in this world. Someone always wants revenge. It’s sad because no matter how much love they have for each other, no matter how many times they hurt each other, no matter how many times they rise and fall with each other, they can never find true happiness. Now this is the question I ask myself every time I think about the subject of relationships and love: Is it worth it? Are the good times good enough to outweigh all the bad times, or are you just hurting yourself? Is it worth it, because you can’t see yourself loving someone else or because it’s comfortable, it’s what your used to? Can you really never see yourself wanting anyone else.

That’s the entirety of it. What is Love? Is it a feeling, an action, a longing? I guess that what I’ve been trying to figure out during my adolescent life. It’s kinda dumb, because some people spent their entire lives trying to find, and figure out what love is, and here I am an 18 year old boy who has never been kissed, trying to sum it up. Why are people so fixated with love? What about love makes a person so self sacrificial? I wonder… I’m in love with the whole concept of love. I’ll admit it—I’m a Fucking Hopeless Romantic. Maybe thats why im soo fixated on trying to what it is? Is love a feeling, a thought, or a desire? I've only seriously had crushes, no real serious relationships, but a lot of friends. I have never really experienced romantic love, only love from family and friends. There are billions of love songs in the world, maybe i just want to know what everyone is singing about.

Some people think Love is all you need. Love is the answer. Love can heal all wounds. But can it? I know Love is hard. It takes time, sacrifice, compromise, but can it really save the world? Can it save your world? Can you honestly tell me you would gamble away everything in your life, your life, your passions, and your potential happiness for something that is not guaranteed? Something that is sure to have you crying, laughing, hurting, Trying. I guess people who get married are ready for something like that. They are willing to put the time, the effort, the sacrifice, and the compromise into a relationship that will become stronger in theory than any other relationship ever experienced. I know im not there yet. But its kinda nice thinking (no homo) that someday we all might love someone that much once day, that we would be willing to give our mind, body, soul, and the unconditional promise symbolized in the band wrapped around our fingers that we will love each other with our entire being.

That leads me into my next thought. What is it about love or relationships in general that scares people? Is it the commitment, is it the fear that the person you are with won’t return your feelings. Those are legitimate reasons to be afraid of love, but in my opinion I don’t think people are afraid of love. I think when people say they are afraid of commitment they are actually saying I don’t trust the idea of love, which is completely understandable. Maybe someone hurt them? But to anyone, who thinks love that they don’t need to love anyone or anyone to love them, I just want to tell those people that I feel bad for them.

Our purpose in life is to love. We are beings made to love. We love being touched, we love being kissed, we love being thought of. We love special surprises. We love being held in security. We love having someone to turn to when our day isn’t going well. We love having someone to call, and a hand to hold when we have a little too much on our plate, a little more than we can handle. We love having the person in our corner supporting us and telling us we can do it. Someone whispering in our ears… I love you. It’s nice, especially when you whisper back… I love you too.


Now here the question I prose: Would you trade everything for love?

So.. I guess this is my first official post. Well I felt like i needed a place to deep talk with myself. Put my thoughts down. It's kinda lame, but i always going back to old posts, letters,or songs I've written and just try and remember who i was back then, what i thought of, how i felt. It's kinda nice because I can see what kind of person I'm becoming and how i changing. I don't know who is going to end up reading this but i felt kinda gay always posting all my deep thoughts on facebook, so I'll post them here instead. :)